The Colonel's Invention #1: The Pigeon-Morse Code Telecommunication Device

Colonel Farquhear, along with Professor Hedgewick (Mr. Henry Hedgewick's eccentric twin-brother) and the irrascible Dr. Sibadeus Yorrick, are avid inventors in their spare time - which is lots! Even Miss. Leonora Godaire dabbles in inventing, having created the patented Mechanical Hair Brusher and the Cat De-Fleaing Machine. The latter was not as successful as the former due to a number of her cats disappearing inside the machine whilst it was sucking out the fleas! Ahem!

Anyway, one of the Colonel's recent inventions has been the cross-pollination of the carrier pigeon with the morse code telegraph methods of communication to form his patented Pigeon-Morse Code. First tests of this invention have excited the Blue Mountains community and the results of his trials will be posted in the next Echo newspaper edition.

Meanwhile, the Colonel, ever the dilettante tinkerer, has written a snappy little tune in praise (and blatant promotion) of his latest venture. So here it is, in all its glory for you, 'The Colonel's Innovatory Contraption'.

The Colonel’s Innovatory Contraption (2011)

The Colonel has been patenting his latest fine invention

A wireless contraption with inbuilt defenses.

It’s his Pigeon-Morse Code and it’s his intention

To sell it at a price within the poorest home expenses.

It’s a clever device made for modern communication

So easily utilised by every child, woman or man.

Yes, it surely will fulfil the needs of every nation

Now that production’s in place according to plan.

How it all works can be very simply explained

You buy a specially-trained pigeon that’s called a ‘dictator’

With a first-class guarantee of being expertly entrained

And you receive a little book known as the ‘translator’.

Coming with this kit is a 10-piece pigeon coop

Very easy to dismantle for when you’re on the mover

Plus an inflatable bag that can make a warning ‘whoop!’

And an indicating light with an attached mechanical louvre.

So now friends and relations can send you instant mail

They imprint the bird’s mind with what they want to say

By flashing their words in code as it sits upon a rail

And when it has it set within they send it on its way.

It flies through wind and rain and storm, arriving safely at your house

You erect the coop so that the bird can make its communication

It tap-dances out their message using all its little nowse

You interpret with the ‘translator’ book for your decoded observation.

To send back a reply you use the same procedure

Of course it only works if others have all the paraphernalia.

Have no fear about the danger of a preying, flying creature

Each pigeon carries mice to drop to distract them without failure.

This device is enabled for every possible situation

Perfect for times and places where there’s no telephone

So important for when there’s need for distant communication

This invention can potentially work in any climate or zone.

Yes, the Colonel has been patenting his latest fine invention

A wireless contraption with inbuilt defenses.

It’s his Pigeon-Morse Code and it’s his intention

To sell it at a price within the poorest home expenses.

It’s a clever device made for modern communication

So easily utilised by every child, woman or man.

Yes, it surely will fulfil the needs of every nation

Now that production’s in place according to plan.

Hmm, yes well, bravo Colonel, a jolly little ditty I marry. I'm sure we'll hear it sung around every piano and pianola very soon. And good luck, I must say I think you're going to need it. You'll be up against some stiff competition from the likes of Mr. Bell and his telephony device, of which I've heard that a number of your acquaintances are considering installing said device at present. Not naming names but, for instance, a certain young lady with a rich daddy is looking at this option if she can persuade her father to invest in one.